I was busy this past weekend, so I decided to set the dvr player to record a movie that was coming on Saturday night. Return To Zero is a story that chronicles the loss of a baby and further explains the difficulties that the parents have in dealing with their grief.
I received numerous texts and emails over the weekend from friends who asked if I had watched the movie. They went on to explain that as they had watched it, their mind went to me. I found it strange in one way that so many people had contacted me and yet I felt so blessed that I would come to so may minds. I was eager to see what was so special about this movie to remind so many precious people about my losses.
I sat down this morning and pushed 'play' on the remote. I was comfortable, had my water beside me on the end table and had cleared my schedule. My phone was on mute and I was determined to view this movie within an allotted time ~ I was due in a meeting within two hours. What I didn't expect was the flood of emotions that accompanied the movie.
From the very first scripted word that was spoken, I felt as though someone had a front row seat to what I had experienced. Perhaps they were the 'fly on the wall' at the doctor's office. I was moved to tears and during certain scenes, my lungs deflated. I felt no air moving. I was breathless.
Of course, my husband and I did not become distanced, he did not drink nor did he have an affair. I did not shut down, nor did I become bitter. The difference? We had God.
I shared in the hurt, I cringed as she attended her best friend's baby shower and had to leave, I even wept at the sight of the postcard on the hospital door. How I hated that postcard. The postcard helps the hospital staff identify a grieving mother. Its a thoughtful policy that many hospitals implement, but as a grieving mother, if only makes you feel singled out or abnormal.
I found myself back in the grief that I had once forgotten. I was depressed and found myself grieving all over again. I had a nauseated and miserable feeling after the movie ended. I felt I had made a big, BIG, HUGE mistake by watching this film. Each word that the actors said resonated with me. I am sure that those who viewed the movie without having previously lost a baby probably, walked away with the opinion that it was an impressive film. For me, however, it was my life on the big screen. It took me a few hours and many talks with God to clear my mind and pull my emotional side back to the present day.
I was saddened when I thought about the overwhelming number of mothers and fathers who grieve without the comfort of God. Not by God's choice, but by the anger and bitterness that results from loss and grief. Sometimes, we feel punished or abandoned by God. The questions flood our minds and we begin to play the "but why" games.
Had I known then what I know now, my healing process would have been shorter and my faith would have been deeper. I'm sure the way I grieve now is in may ways much different than how I grieved with Nathan and Haylee. God is the reason.
Hollywood tried to validate the pain that numerous moms experience, but it only caused me to remember God. He never left me, he never let me grieve alone.
You don't have to return to zero, you can return to God!
I can do all things through Christ which strengthen me. Philippians 4:13
My son approached me this week and began a very serious conversation with me. He is in high school and is starting to contemplate his future. He wanted to discuss the options he had been considering. I was honored that he not only wanted to bounce some ideas off of me, but asked and valued my opinion. I was amazed at the amount of thought he had put into his career choice. As I listened, I knew my son was growing up.
When he paused and asked for my opinion, I of course, told him how proud I was of him. I gave my thoughts and then told him that he could do anything. I told him that the world was at his feet and he could grab it and run. I wanted him to know that there should be no hesitation because nothing was impossible for him!
I am sure the same conversation was taking place in many homes across the globe. What I tried to convey to my son was not unlike what I am sure other parents were saying or had said to their child. The message is the same, "You can do anything!". We encourage our children from the day they are born until the day we die. We strive to encourage our children with the simple message ~ you can do anything! But, when did we lose the message for ourselves? Where in the translation did we stop applying this encouragement to our own lives?
As a mom, I feel so inadequate at times in my parenting. Sometimes, I feel like luck had more to do with how my children have turned out, and not my own skills as their mother. At times, I am intimidated when I see the accomplishments from my friends and family. I pale in comparison to the works of others and feel it in my gut. My husband brags on me all the time, but I neglect to see the wonderful person that he sees. I don't think I am alone in my thinking.
How can I believe that my children can own the world if I cannot grab the same ownership for myself? With God, I can do anything! I can face fear, frustration, and those faceless enemies that all moms see. God's word says that I can do anything and be anything while fearing nothing.
There is only one thing that I cannot do, but was already done for me. I no longer have to carry my sin, nor do I have to die on the cross to remove your sin. Jesus did that for us. If he could face a cross, why do I fear facing each day? Why do we allow time to rule who we are?
The days dictate our lives. Our schedules determine who we are, what we do, and where we dwell. But with God, I can do the impossible! I can get a college degree like my oldest sister did ~ AFTER she became a grandmother! I can fight the FDA to start a new medication to heal existing health problems just like my brother did. I could start my own radio broadcast and interview top entertainers just like my youngest sister has done. And to think I was not impressed with my own abilities?
Are you happy just getting by each day? Don't settle for less than you can be! With God, ALL things are possible! Lasso the moon, reach for the stars, and always hold on to God's hand! You can do it!